I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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