I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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