Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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