after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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