i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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