I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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