I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
