I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
