K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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