Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
