There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
