I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
