she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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