he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Randomize
