i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
