my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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