she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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