I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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