remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
