He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
