We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
