6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
