the condom got lost in my hair
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My cat gives me a boner
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
