I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize