I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
