The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
