Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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