I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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