My liver just broke up with me...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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