It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
