and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So many bounce houses so little time
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
