They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
