My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
