I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize