yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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