You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I can't trust your balls anymore.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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