Don't you send me to vm
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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