Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
