dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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