You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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