I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
