Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
