Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
