you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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