So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
