When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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