Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
