Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
