No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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