did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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