I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
