nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
