the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
