Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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