mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
