trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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